Cure your binges

The urge to binge on sugar has been a feeling I fought viciously almost every day of my life. Whether it was after a long day at work or even first thing in the morning (I’m talking 6:00 a.m.) I would feel that urge to get a massive amount of chocolate, cookies, cake, etc. and eat it until I felt sick enough to stop. While driving I would think of my favorite spots to stop and get some sugar like Mrs. Fields or See’s Candy and if all else failed it was the grocery store. After shamefully purchasing a massive amount of food I would usually dip my hand in the bag to get a taste even before walking to the car. I was truly manic. I would shove the food in my mouth so quickly I could barely taste it but was so relieved that the urge to binge was now dissepating. I would eat and eat, washing it down with diet soda, until I physically exhaled to take a break. I soon felt nauseous and stuffed. This is when the self hatred would start up. Thinking to myself, “Why can’t I stop this? Why do I have to be this way?” I would clean myself up and usually dump wrappers and any food that remained in the nearest gas station trash can. I would think to myself, “Okay tomorrow I am officially starting. I will be better tomorrow.”

This cycle lasted for decades. If I had to guess how many times I was able to “resist” a binge when I was “wrapped up in the food” I would say I was successful less than 3% of the time. I was swimming upstream. I was swimming upstream with a weight tied to me speeding down stream. It felt impossible to stop. Sometimes I would fight the binge on my way home in my car and probably looked like a drunk driver, swerving towards the local convenience store and then veering off to change my mind. 

The reason I want to write about these experiences is to show you that I had an aggressive eating disorder for decades and understand feeling helpless and out of control. From where I am now I think of the person I used to be and I feel such empathy for her. Food and body image were the #1 thing I thought of in my life. I spend probably 80% of my waking thoughts on either dieting, how I look, how I want to look, binge thoughts, meal plans, etc. for over 20 years. This is over 80,000 hours! After calculating those hours it is safe to say that I am an expert on binge disorder, diet culture, and self-esteem issues. I searched for the solution for so many years and always felt disappointed…until last year. 

I went on instagram and randomly typed in the search box “binge eating” and my whole world opened up. I found a plethora of diet coaches who help cure those with eating disorders. I started following many of them and found their posts to be extremely helpful. Many of them use the practice of intuitive eating, which to my surprise I had never heard before. Intuitive eating is what helped kick off the cure my binge eating disorder.

I was inspired by the information I found in the book attached to the bottom of this lesson. I cover many of the principles that served me in the next few lessons but the first thing I completed I created on my own.

This step was to bring in the food.

I decided to take my power back I had given away to food for so many years. It was mine. The food meant nothing to me and I was able to buy as much as I wanted of it. I started exposure therapy to create new feelings, thoughts, and emotions regarding this food. To start to cure the binge disorder one of the first places to start is the grocery store. It was an unusual experience to push my cart amongst the aisles I used to avoid. I told myself before the trip that I could pick anything I wanted to eat. ANYTHING. Choose whatever you would like and however much I wanted. I think on that first trip I filled up on Little Debbie’s, Hershey’s, Chips Ahoy, and Oreos. I took it all home and set it up in my pantry as if it was a snack bar at the movies. This feeling alone was so liberating. The first change I recognized was that I didn’t feel the need to dip into the bag on the way home to get a taste. I knew it was all coming home with me and I could have as much as I wanted. I set it all up and enjoyed the vibration of the view. 

It was such an odd feeling. To pick anything I wanted. To look the cashier in the eye and think, “yep this is all for me, I have a sweet tooth.” It was so great. When I got home that night I felt a sweet craving and thought, “You got it. What do you want?” There were so many choices in the pantry and my refrigerator. I decided I wanted some of the chocolate overload cake slice I purchased from Ralphs. It was one of my most desired foods. When I thought of this I said, “Absolutely, you got it!” Then I asked myself these questions:

• Are you REALLY hungry? Where are your hunger levels? If its anything above 5 maybe we can wait until you’re a little hungrier.

• I thought…Yes! I am feeling like a 4! Some food sounds wonderful.

• Then my mind said, “Perfect. I am so glad that you understand your hunger cues. You can absolutely enjoy that cake. Are you feeling like there is something you may want to eat before to create some balance to make the cake taste even better? 

• I thought…hmmm yes I am truly hungry so maybe I can eat a little dinner and then for sure enjoy that cake!

• My mind said, “Great! What sounds good?”

• Maybe In-N-Out?

• Perfect! How is that In-N-Out going to make your mind and body feel?

  • Well it is delicious and it would definitely make me feel satiated but probably low energy or tired after.

• Does feeling that way work with your plan tonight?

  • It actually does! I have had a long day where I expended a lot of energy running around so a night relaxing on the couch sounds amazing.

• Perfect! Let’s go get it! I eat the In-N-Out until I am no longer hungry. I had a single cheese burger and around half of the french fries. Does the cake still sound good?

• hmmm…I am pretty full from dinner maybe I will wait until I am hungry again.

• Great Idea! It will taste even better when you’re hungry.

-45 minutes later-

• That cake sounds good again….

• Perfect! Are you hungry?

• Yes I think I am feeling a little below a 5….

• Wonderful! Lets get some cake! 

• First  enjoy the view of the cake. Look at the caramel, the cheesecake pieces, and then that amazing chocolate crust. 

• Now take the first bite. Is it good?

• Omg yes it is amazing

• So glad! Enjoy! Take a few more bites

  -I am slowly enjoying this cake and I am about half way through the slice-

• I am so glad you get to enjoy this cake! So many people would love to eat something like this. Why don’t we take a few minutes for our stomach to check in with our mind to see how hungry we are.

-5 minutes later-

• How are you feeling?

• Im GOOD! That cake was so good and I actually feel like the craving for it isn’t as strong.

• I am so glad you enjoyed it. Would you like to save it for a little later when it sounds good again?

• Absolutely. I feel satisfied, not stuffed, and proud that I am in control. 

This is exactly the way I have ended up with a million Tupperware in my refrigerator. I have so many left over cakes, pies, french fries, burgers, pizza etc. an insane amount of things because I no longer feel ANY need to finish my plate.